Wednesday, April 27, 2016

note to self note to self note to self

“The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.” - Louis C.K 

Monday, April 25, 2016

raise your hands to the sky/ if you feel alive

missing this
missing this always.

i can't quit you, and that's okay.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

hazy and beyond (say wat)

another hazy evening (why is there haze in march why is there haze ever), another introspective evening.

see the thing is i think i know myself quite well, what with me knowing me for, the better part of my life. the good, the bad, the ugly - i'm familiar with it all. i know my limitations and i realize very clearly that there are just some (many) things that i'm not cut out to do.

yeah i know i know. 'you can do whatever you put your mind to'. except, my mind is weak and it does not do particularly well with being put in places it does not enjoy.

daz me.

i wish i wouldn't choke up so easily - literally and figuratively. i wish i could just know what to do, instead of turning to SOS signals when i get the chance. i want to tell myself that that in and of itself is growth. knowing when to ask for help and applying difficult advice to very real situations - that's growth. but is that weakness? can it be both?

part of me knows it's immature to form attachments to things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. but another part of me thinks it's not so bad if these very things lead me to want to make change, to do better, to effect a difference. which one is right? can they coexist?

well, of course they can. the world is made up of dualities and complexities and a zillion sides to every matter. everything exists in this intangible, elusive grey area. everything is up for debate.

there is no point to this rant. no one has all the answers, and i have none of the answers. when people look to me for them, do they see that? should i pretend to have them, pretend to have it together, pretend that i know? is that growth? is that the 'fake it till you make it' mentality that reddit keeps telling me to adopt to, well, make it?

i could use a long, hard, drag of fresh air right now.

ever after

for posterity

 i'd just like to leave this video of joongki on the 9 o'clock news being charming, humble, dapper, twinkly-eyed and just. so. disarmingly. handsome.

for posterity

i'd just like to leave this video here to remind myself of how so very much va circa march 2016 adored song joongki. how right now, she would like nothing more than to go deep sea diving in those sparkly orbs he calls his eyes and/or nestle comfortably in the crinkles of his wrinkles when he breaks into a smile.

for posterity.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

song joong kill me

i would very much like to watch this video from now until eternity falls. 

my heart

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Friday, March 4, 2016

mathlete in the running

reason #98237432984 i know age is catching up with me/ changing me into someone i do not recognize:

  • i just stated, without irony, that "math is actually really fun. it makes so much... sense. it's nice when things make sense." 
this was me. 
...who am i now?!?!?! 



Wednesday, February 24, 2016

of soundless iphones and the sounds of taemin

in the spirit of documenting more, i would like to put on record that i've spent the better part of the past 30 minutes trying to figure out why my 'iphone thinks headphones are plugged in' when they're clearly not, leading to an iphone that couldn't make sounds hooray. (btw, q-tip/ paper clip solutions did not work. submerging my phone in rice, though, did. not like i needed more reasons to love rice, but now i have one more, tried and tested.)

also, btw, jsyk, taem released his first full length album yesterday and it was well worth every penny.

i'll never understand people who don't like taemin. 
i mean, have you seen him? even behind the scenes he's incredible. 
♡ consummate performer lee taemin 

so again, in the spirit of documentation, let it be known that 5+ years later, the embarrassment of loving korean pop music/ stars has long worn off and has been replaced with unceasing pride and a whole lotta love. i could go on and on (see: tumblr) about how intensely i feel about his every nuanced move, bright eyes, the back of his freaking knees. but i won't, because my heart may collapse from how much i feel. 

future va, do you still love taemin/ shinee as much as you do now? i hope you do, they're pretty phenomenal. and they make you very happy.

i hope i keep this documenting thing up, no matter how mundane. onward. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

write and wrong

some days, the darkness comes out of the woodwork and clubs you in the head with a mallet

some days, the darkness doesn't matter because you have loud music and obnoxiously wonderfully flamboyant instructors to emulate and a room full of equally distracting/ distracted people to keep your mind and body buoyant. and alive

some days, you miss writing so much you can almost feel the words bleeding out of your fingers and the catharsis is more comforting than most of the other bits you try to busy your mind with

some days you're incoherent and sweaty and just content with still screens and whirring fans and tuesdays.

and today i just want to make a solidly empty promise to myself. to update this space a little bit more, to jot down my last year of being in my 20s (shut. up). for posterity. for future me. and all that jazz.