Tuesday, March 28, 2017

THANKS, CAVE.

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

Thursday, March 9, 2017

how

 
이런 내가 너무나 미워 
너와 떨어져 있을 때 
편하게 느껴지는 내가

i'm 
so 
tired.

Friday, February 10, 2017

i want to be bigger
better
braver

to put up a front
to have my armor up

as i have to
as i need to

or what else will prop me up?
and keep me whole?


Saturday, December 31, 2016

PMHOY



deuces and dancing. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

artwright

oh my god it IS tuesday this explains the onslaught of unwanted emotions attacking me

all i can say is. it's probably a bad (very. bad.) idea to reminisce on things/ people/ words/ feelings from 10 years ago when emotionally you're in a place where every thing/ person/ word/ feeling is magnified a hundredfold.

i want to be where you are.

wait for it


this. jarring. hypocrisy

how do all of you fall asleep at night? do your demons not knock on your door and say 'hey there, old friend. you've made good use of us today, haven't you?' how do they not keep you up with your atrocities and lies and remind you of your skilled use of every sharp object you've used to stab into the backs of unsuspecting others? 

how am i still surprised? 

so very many questions that need answers. but i don't want them. i don't want the brutal honesty nor the reality check. i don't even want to entertain the thought that karma is just a made-up ideal so we can all better deal with the injustices that come along with the landmine-filled territory marked 'growing up'. 

that's life, they say.

well then. 

life.
can.

suck it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

how vast

thoughts from right now:
sitting in an eatery in taipei with a bowl of zucchini noodles and lemon red tea, wishing i could bottle the way i feel right this moment - to look to when i have days that are far, far less than this. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

i feel it coming

the tortured artist is not just an overused character trope. feelings are more felt, better conveyed, in a much more pressing way when said feelings are the kind that stab you in the chest and threaten to swallow you whole, wouldn't you say?

my internal game of charades is coming to a crashing halt and i am powerless to stop it.

i am just
so
.


Monday, November 28, 2016

miss list

i miss writing. i miss writing to myself, for myself.

i used to write every night. after dinner, i'd sprawl, starfish style on my bed, elbows propping me up with my diary resting wide open on my blanket and my trusty mechanical pencil at the ready. and then i'd write, and write, and write some more about the (often very, very dull) goings on of my day. of my insecurities, my fear and loathing, my resolutions, my liquefied heart and everything else in between.

why did i stop? god knows the insecurities have never stopped and the fear and loathing, well, they've never left either. as i got older, even i found my thoughts mundane, i suppose. and then the internet took over, and penning down memories sans pictures just felt so lacking. so incomplete. so pointless. so that's probably why i stopped.

no one was reading then, and no one is reading now. and maybe that's part of why i stopped writing at all because again, what was the point? who cared? who cares? but now i'm starting to see this as a point of comfort. that this is a safe place in this big, decidedly unsafe world wide web. this is my safe place, with its virtual ratty comforter and fluffy socks. this is my safe place.

i want to come home to my safe place.


Thursday, October 27, 2016

not without a fight

a perpetual state of mind.

but nothing a fist full of chocolate, impeccably synchronized korean boys and mindless shopping can't fix. momentarily. and those moments, i live for those moments.

답답해.