Tuesday, May 23, 2017

trekking to thirty


thirty.

trembling, terrified, plenty of trepidation but -

thirty.

ready for this.

_______________________

psa: daily updates on dayre.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

i think. i need. i must. i am.

i should just rename this place, notes to self but. this, is yet another note to myself.

"A few years ago, I was crying and whining at my mom and sister while I was really drunk. I asked my mom and my sister.. it wasn’t long after we’d moved. I asked them if they were happy. I got drunk and woke up my entire sleeping family, like some ahjussi. 
It had been my number one goal in life, you know, to make my mom and sister happy. They both woke up and told me they were happy. But I was so envious at the fact that they were able to reply that they were, indeed, happy. 
Because it wasn’t like that for me. I told them while sobbing: "I want to be happy too." 
Then I felt like I’d done my mom and sister wrong. But from then on, I started contemplating about happiness. For about six months, I pondered specifically over what I would need to do in order to become happy. I think that time of transformation has come. I think I need to become happy, now. I must become happy. I am going to be happy.
- jonghyun, esquire korea, may 2017

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

THANKS, CAVE.

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

Thursday, March 9, 2017

how

 
이런 내가 너무나 미워 
너와 떨어져 있을 때 
편하게 느껴지는 내가

i'm 
so 
tired.

Friday, February 10, 2017

i want to be bigger
better
braver

to put up a front
to have my armor up

as i have to
as i need to

or what else will prop me up?
and keep me whole?


Saturday, December 31, 2016

PMHOY



deuces and dancing. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

artwright

oh my god it IS tuesday this explains the onslaught of unwanted emotions attacking me

all i can say is. it's probably a bad (very. bad.) idea to reminisce on things/ people/ words/ feelings from 10 years ago when emotionally you're in a place where every thing/ person/ word/ feeling is magnified a hundredfold.

i want to be where you are.

wait for it


this. jarring. hypocrisy

how do all of you fall asleep at night? do your demons not knock on your door and say 'hey there, old friend. you've made good use of us today, haven't you?' how do they not keep you up with your atrocities and lies and remind you of your skilled use of every sharp object you've used to stab into the backs of unsuspecting others? 

how am i still surprised? 

so very many questions that need answers. but i don't want them. i don't want the brutal honesty nor the reality check. i don't even want to entertain the thought that karma is just a made-up ideal so we can all better deal with the injustices that come along with the landmine-filled territory marked 'growing up'. 

that's life, they say.

well then. 

life.
can.

suck it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

how vast

thoughts from right now:
sitting in an eatery in taipei with a bowl of zucchini noodles and lemon red tea, wishing i could bottle the way i feel right this moment - to look to when i have days that are far, far less than this. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

i feel it coming

the tortured artist is not just an overused character trope. feelings are more felt, better conveyed, in a much more pressing way when said feelings are the kind that stab you in the chest and threaten to swallow you whole, wouldn't you say?

my internal game of charades is coming to a crashing halt and i am powerless to stop it.

i am just
so
.