Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Thursday, December 21, 2017

always.

cross posted from dayre.

fandom

⚠️ this is a very long, raw post about fandom.

You know, fandom is weird. I get that.

And it may seem a disproportionally large reaction to be so, viscerally, affected.


To feel like your heart is perpetually on the cusp of being ripped out of your chest. (To be fair, they make me feel like that a lot), but none more than these two days.

But here’s the thing: they don’t know us, that’s true.


But we know them. We feel like we do. We’ve spent many a day, night, year ‘together’, in a bond that is special to us. Irreplaceable, tbh.

It sounds crazy. And when I was younger, I wasn’t proud of this. However, in my adulthood, I have embraced it wholeheartedly, with no qualms, and a heart full of gratitude.


These are people that I truly, truly love. I care about them, I want what’s best for them, I look forward to leading my life with them, on parallel storylines.


 dec 21 2017. 

Today, I am not strong enough.



Last night, I spent hours in a vortex, looking through old photos and posts and trying to ingest as much of him, of them, as I could. Not that different from a normal day, I suppose.

Last night, I laughed a lot, and wrote a bit about it.

Writing helps, it always does. Even when it’s gibberish about the extent of my adoration for 5 shiny boys



Today, I am not strong enough.




Today, he officially crosses the marigold bridge, sent off by his family - both family by blood, and family by choice.

(Family that he gave these rather ugly pendants to. That I still find quite ugly. Jiong, sorry but really.)



I’ve rewritten this part so many times. And the gist is that I shouldn’t keep reiterating my sadness, or freaking out about the wellbeing of the 4 of them. Those are just emotions that I will have to learn to live with from here on, and that’s okay! That’s okay. πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

Since today is 🌼 the day 🌼, let me reminisce a bit, okay?

(Note: This is indeed fully self serving so really to everyone that’s reading this, it’s okay to not read, or care about this. #sayfirst. For realzies.)

 (a walk to re-tumblr) 

Went on a massive trip down tumblr memory lane, because I’m obviously a masochist.

I found tumblr at around the same time I found #shinee, so I really made full use of tumblr as the fandom enabler that it is. Oh, so very many frenzied reblogs and overly descriptive tags.

I’ve since moved my rambling to #wmmkpop here, and kept up to date on YouTube and twitter instead.

ANYWAY.

I backtracked a ton and found my first shinee post!

Walk with me 🚢🏻‍♀️🚢🏻‍♀️🚢🏻‍♀️



My first documented tumblr post on shinee. Hello, Juliette era babies. Hello, my sepia colored hipster buns. πŸ‘‹πŸ»

All handsy and wonderful indeed. ✋πŸ»πŸ–πŸ»πŸ€˜πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

Of course, though, this journey today was made for jjong.


So. My first dedicated jjong post.

HAHAHHA resistance was really futile ah. So very futile. The very definition of futile.

(I wrote this last night πŸ‘‡πŸ»)

Grieving today was a little different, as I suspect every coming day will be. Today, I spent equal times crying, and laughing, and reminiscing.

Because I really do stan the biggest idiots, and nothing will ever change that. Not even you, jjong. I’m not going anywhere.




A couple of text posts hahaha because jjong really always says (not quite ready to switch to past tense yet, bear with me) the most insightful... and relatable things πŸ˜‚

“I wanna end you first.” #truefacts

So don’t worry, my pup. We won’t tell you to find strength. We know what you want from us πŸ’š

And his thoughts on tattoos, along with his thoughts on you know, everything - I love. No need for memorialization when we have immortality now, right?

 πŸ’₯ feelingsplosion πŸ’₯ 

One of my own favorite tags (ownself say ah) was one I affectionately called #feelingsplosion, coined by danisnotonfire. It’s where, well, my feelings exploded via excessive amounts of text flailing and keyboard smashes.

Most of them about shinee, of course.

Here’s an example:




Whoops. My penchant for word vomit clearly translates across social media platforms - but really, most apparent when fangirling, and especially for these five.

Today, I feel the exact same way. All those words still v accurately reflect how I feel, right this second. And how I’ve felt for the past 7 years, with increasing intensity.

Until the end, my boys. Until the end, my OT5.



They are idiots. But they are my idiots.



To conclude this post:

shinee,
i loved you yesterday
i love you today
and i will love you for all of my tomorrows.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

trekking to thirty


thirty.

trembling, terrified, plenty of trepidation but -

thirty.

ready for this.

_______________________

psa: daily updates on dayre.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

i think. i need. i must. i am.

i should just rename this place, notes to self but. this, is yet another note to myself.

"A few years ago, I was crying and whining at my mom and sister while I was really drunk. I asked my mom and my sister.. it wasn’t long after we’d moved. I asked them if they were happy. I got drunk and woke up my entire sleeping family, like some ahjussi. 
It had been my number one goal in life, you know, to make my mom and sister happy. They both woke up and told me they were happy. But I was so envious at the fact that they were able to reply that they were, indeed, happy. 
Because it wasn’t like that for me. I told them while sobbing: "I want to be happy too." 
Then I felt like I’d done my mom and sister wrong. But from then on, I started contemplating about happiness. For about six months, I pondered specifically over what I would need to do in order to become happy. I think that time of transformation has come. I think I need to become happy, now. I must become happy. I am going to be happy.
- jonghyun, esquire korea, may 2017

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

THANKS, CAVE.

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

Thursday, March 9, 2017

how

 
이런 λ‚΄κ°€ λ„ˆλ¬΄λ‚˜ λ―Έμ›Œ 
λ„ˆμ™€ λ–¨μ–΄μ Έ μžˆμ„ λ•Œ 
νŽΈν•˜κ²Œ λŠκ»΄μ§€λŠ” λ‚΄κ°€

i'm 
so 
tired.

Friday, February 10, 2017

i want to be bigger
better
braver

to put up a front
to have my armor up

as i have to
as i need to

or what else will prop me up?
and keep me whole?


Saturday, December 31, 2016

PMHOY



deuces and dancing. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

artwright

oh my god it IS tuesday this explains the onslaught of unwanted emotions attacking me

all i can say is. it's probably a bad (very. bad.) idea to reminisce on things/ people/ words/ feelings from 10 years ago when emotionally you're in a place where every thing/ person/ word/ feeling is magnified a hundredfold.

i want to be where you are.

wait for it


this. jarring. hypocrisy

how do all of you fall asleep at night? do your demons not knock on your door and say 'hey there, old friend. you've made good use of us today, haven't you?' how do they not keep you up with your atrocities and lies and remind you of your skilled use of every sharp object you've used to stab into the backs of unsuspecting others? 

how am i still surprised? 

so very many questions that need answers. but i don't want them. i don't want the brutal honesty nor the reality check. i don't even want to entertain the thought that karma is just a made-up ideal so we can all better deal with the injustices that come along with the landmine-filled territory marked 'growing up'. 

that's life, they say.

well then. 

life.
can.

suck it.