Thursday, December 1, 2016

i feel it coming

the tortured artist is not just an overused character trope. feelings are more felt, better conveyed, in a much more pressing way when said feelings are the kind that stab you in the chest and threaten to swallow you whole, wouldn't you say?

my internal game of charades is coming to a crashing halt and i am powerless to stop it.

i am just

Monday, November 28, 2016

miss list

i miss writing. i miss writing to myself, for myself.

i used to write every night. after dinner, i'd sprawl, starfish style on my bed, elbows propping me up with my diary resting wide open on my blanket and my trusty mechanical pencil at the ready. and then i'd write, and write, and write some more about the (often very, very dull) goings on of my day. of my insecurities, my fear and loathing, my resolutions, my liquefied heart and everything else in between.

why did i stop? god knows the insecurities have never stopped and the fear and loathing, well, they've never left either. as i got older, even i found my thoughts mundane, i suppose. and then the internet took over, and penning down memories sans pictures just felt so lacking. so incomplete. so pointless. so that's probably why i stopped.

no one was reading then, and no one is reading now. and maybe that's part of why i stopped writing at all because again, what was the point? who cared? who cares? but now i'm starting to see this as a point of comfort. that this is a safe place in this big, decidedly unsafe world wide web. this is my safe place, with its virtual ratty comforter and fluffy socks. this is my safe place.

i want to come home to my safe place.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

not without a fight

a perpetual state of mind.

but nothing a fist full of chocolate, impeccably synchronized korean boys and mindless shopping can't fix. momentarily. and those moments, i live for those moments.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

how about that

"the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Saturday, August 13, 2016


i would like to bottle the way i feel right now and look to it whenever i need a boost or a hug. today, we are all olympians. thank you, joschoo.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

note to self note to self note to self

“The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.” - Louis C.K 

Monday, April 25, 2016

raise your hands to the sky/ if you feel alive

missing this
missing this always.

i can't quit you, and that's okay.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

hazy and beyond (say wat)

another hazy evening (why is there haze in march why is there haze ever), another introspective evening.

see the thing is i think i know myself quite well, what with me knowing me for, the better part of my life. the good, the bad, the ugly - i'm familiar with it all. i know my limitations and i realize very clearly that there are just some (many) things that i'm not cut out to do.

yeah i know i know. 'you can do whatever you put your mind to'. except, my mind is weak and it does not do particularly well with being put in places it does not enjoy.

daz me.

i wish i wouldn't choke up so easily - literally and figuratively. i wish i could just know what to do, instead of turning to SOS signals when i get the chance. i want to tell myself that that in and of itself is growth. knowing when to ask for help and applying difficult advice to very real situations - that's growth. but is that weakness? can it be both?

part of me knows it's immature to form attachments to things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. but another part of me thinks it's not so bad if these very things lead me to want to make change, to do better, to effect a difference. which one is right? can they coexist?

well, of course they can. the world is made up of dualities and complexities and a zillion sides to every matter. everything exists in this intangible, elusive grey area. everything is up for debate.

there is no point to this rant. no one has all the answers, and i have none of the answers. when people look to me for them, do they see that? should i pretend to have them, pretend to have it together, pretend that i know? is that growth? is that the 'fake it till you make it' mentality that reddit keeps telling me to adopt to, well, make it?

i could use a long, hard, drag of fresh air right now.

ever after

for posterity

 i'd just like to leave this video of joongki on the 9 o'clock news being charming, humble, dapper, twinkly-eyed and just. so. disarmingly. handsome.

for posterity

i'd just like to leave this video here to remind myself of how so very much va circa march 2016 adored song joongki. how right now, she would like nothing more than to go deep sea diving in those sparkly orbs he calls his eyes and/or nestle comfortably in the crinkles of his wrinkles when he breaks into a smile.

for posterity.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

song joong kill me

i would very much like to watch this video from now until eternity falls. 

my heart