always.

cross posted from dayre.

fandom. 

⚠️ this is a very long, raw post about fandom.

You know, fandom is weird. I get that.

And it may seem a disproportionally large reaction to be so, viscerally, affected.


To feel like your heart is perpetually on the cusp of being ripped out of your chest. (To be fair, they make me feel like that a lot), but none more than these two days.

But here’s the thing: they don’t know us, that’s true.


But we know them. We feel like we do. We’ve spent many a day, night, year ‘together’, in a bond that is special to us. Irreplaceable, tbh.

It sounds crazy. And when I was younger, I wasn’t proud of this. However, in my adulthood, I have embraced it wholeheartedly, with no qualms, and a heart full of gratitude.


These are people that I truly, truly love. I care about them, I want what’s best for them, I look forward to leading my life with them, on parallel storylines.

 dec 21 2017. 

Today, I am not strong enough.

➖

Last night, I spent hours in a vortex, looking through old photos and posts and trying to ingest as much of him, of them, as I could. Not that different from a normal day, I suppose.

Last night, I laughed a lot, and wrote a bit about it.

Writing helps, it always does. Even when it’s gibberish about the extent of my adoration for 5 shiny boys

➖

Today, I am not strong enough.




Today, he officially crosses the marigold bridge, sent off by his family - both family by blood, and family by choice.

(Family that he gave these rather ugly pendants to. That I still find quite ugly. Jiong, sorry but really.)

•

I’ve rewritten this part so many times. And the gist is that I shouldn’t keep reiterating my sadness, or freaking out about the wellbeing of the 4 of them. Those are just emotions that I will have to learn to live with from here on, and that’s okay! That’s okay. 👌🏻

Since today is 🌼 the day 🌼, let me reminisce a bit, okay?

(Note: This is indeed fully self serving so really to everyone that’s reading this, it’s okay to not read, or care about this. #sayfirst. For realzies.)

 (a walk to re-tumblr) 

Went on a massive trip down tumblr memory lane, because I’m obviously a masochist.

I found tumblr at around the same time I found #shinee, so I really made full use of tumblr as the fandom enabler that it is. Oh, so very many frenzied reblogs and overly descriptive tags.

I’ve since moved my rambling to #wmmkpop here, and kept up to date on YouTube and twitter instead.

ANYWAY.

I backtracked a ton and found my first shinee post!

Walk with me 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️



My first documented tumblr post on shinee. Hello, Juliette era babies. Hello, my sepia colored hipster buns. 👋🏻

All handsy and wonderful indeed. ✋🏻🖐🏻🤘🏻👍🏻👐🏻

Of course, though, this journey today was made for jjong.


So. My first dedicated jjong post.

HAHAHHA resistance was really futile ah. So very futile. The very definition of futile.

(I wrote this last night 👇🏻)

Grieving today was a little different, as I suspect every coming day will be. Today, I spent equal times crying, and laughing, and reminiscing.

Because I really do stan the biggest idiots, and nothing will ever change that. Not even you, jjong. I’m not going anywhere.

•


A couple of text posts hahaha because jjong really always says (not quite ready to switch to past tense yet, bear with me) the most insightful... and relatable things 😂

“I wanna end you first.” #truefacts

So don’t worry, my pup. We won’t tell you to find strength. We know what you want from us 💚

And his thoughts on tattoos, along with his thoughts on you know, everything - I love. No need for memorialization when we have immortality now, right?

 💥 feelingsplosion 💥 

One of my own favorite tags (ownself say ah) was one I affectionately called #feelingsplosion, coined by danisnotonfire. It’s where, well, my feelings exploded via excessive amounts of text flailing and keyboard smashes.

Most of them about shinee, of course.

Here’s an example:




Whoops. My penchant for word vomit clearly translates across social media platforms - but really, most apparent when fangirling, and especially for these five.

Today, I feel the exact same way. All those words still v accurately reflect how I feel, right this second. And how I’ve felt for the past 7 years, with increasing intensity.

Until the end, my boys. Until the end, my OT5.

They are idiots. But they are my idiots.



To conclude this post:

shinee,
i loved you yesterday
i love you today
and i will love you for all of my tomorrows.