Monday, April 6, 2015

cue the sun

a couple of times a year, i get the chance to spend extended periods of time with people a lot, a lot younger than me. when this first started, it was just one singular 'a lot'. it's now progressed to strict double 'a lot' category, and will soon move to an infinite amount of 'a lots'.

anyway. i was saying.

i get to hang out with these kids 10-ish years younger than me, and really, they're not kids anymore. i feel like i should be swaddling them and changing their nappies but they're actually fully functioning and cognizant humans with thoughts and feelings and emotions and relationships (oh, the relationships. young love, ya know?) and all that other jazz that 18 year olds experience.

okay again, i've digressed.

so yes, i get to hang out with them for something like 5 days every few months and i've come to the (sad? stark?) realization that i much, much prefer their company to you know, the real world. this doesn't include my inner circle, of course, because we often behave like we're still 16 and especially when we're together but this applies more to... everyone else.

this speaks volumes about me and my maturity, i'm sure. but i believe it speaks more about my innate escapism, something i've always suffered from, something i think i will always afflict me.

as i get older, i find this to be all the more true. i like talking to teenagers because i yearn for that life, and not so much so of youth, but of a life that had simpler issues. i yearn for the problems that plague them, for the comparatively simple things that make them tick, that make them happy.

i've really come to abhor the state of adulthood, of the people that i've met, of the people that i'm meeting, of the people that i've always known but am only now really starting to know.

as it is, i'm fully aware that i live in a suspended version of reality. but as the cracks start to show, all i want to do is run and hide under my toadstool and wait for the dark clouds to pass. as i make like truman and sail closer and closer to the wall of sky, i just want to turn around and paddle back towards safety, even if safety is ignorance.

like i said, escapism. one of my greater afflictions.

i don't know. having to deal with repercussions of other people's stupidity and incompetence is no fucking fun. having to witness persistently vile absurdity is downright shitty. having to watch someone that i hold near and dear drain themselves dry for and because of the people around them makes me ill, ill, ill.

oh adulthood. go away and don't come back.

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