Thursday, March 31, 2016

hazy and beyond (say wat)

another hazy evening (why is there haze in march why is there haze ever), another introspective evening.

see the thing is i think i know myself quite well, what with me knowing me for, the better part of my life. the good, the bad, the ugly - i'm familiar with it all. i know my limitations and i realize very clearly that there are just some (many) things that i'm not cut out to do.

yeah i know i know. 'you can do whatever you put your mind to'. except, my mind is weak and it does not do particularly well with being put in places it does not enjoy.

daz me.

i wish i wouldn't choke up so easily - literally and figuratively. i wish i could just know what to do, instead of turning to SOS signals when i get the chance. i want to tell myself that that in and of itself is growth. knowing when to ask for help and applying difficult advice to very real situations - that's growth. but is that weakness? can it be both?

part of me knows it's immature to form attachments to things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. but another part of me thinks it's not so bad if these very things lead me to want to make change, to do better, to effect a difference. which one is right? can they coexist?

well, of course they can. the world is made up of dualities and complexities and a zillion sides to every matter. everything exists in this intangible, elusive grey area. everything is up for debate.

there is no point to this rant. no one has all the answers, and i have none of the answers. when people look to me for them, do they see that? should i pretend to have them, pretend to have it together, pretend that i know? is that growth? is that the 'fake it till you make it' mentality that reddit keeps telling me to adopt to, well, make it?

i could use a long, hard, drag of fresh air right now.

No comments: